Are you sick and tired of feeling sick and tired?
Are you craving meaningful change, whether it’s in your career, family, relationships, or another important aspect of your life?
If you answered yes, you are one of millions of people searching for ways to release emotional pain and find true happiness and success.
Nearly every day, people reach out to me and express an urgency for prioritizing their emotional and mental well-being. They are exhausted from struggling with issues that are weighing them down, holding them back from achieving their goals, and creating extra challenges in their lives. They often explain to me how difficult it is to get through the day while dealing with crippling anxiety, depression, trauma, low confidence, and/or serious issues in their closest relationships.
By the time many people reach out to me for help, they have exhausted other options, like therapy, and feel that they’re at their wit’s end.
In fact, about 75% of my clients were either previously in therapy or still in therapy when they first reached out to me because they were not seeing the results they needed.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong believer in therapy and I have seen proof that it can change people's lives. However, it is not the answer for everyone, every time. Those who have already tried and failed with other forms of counseling are usually eager and desperate to improve themselves, their careers, and/or their relationships and will reach out via email, phone call, text, or social media in an effort to finally unlock change in their lives.
However, when it comes time to fully commit to their healing and growth, they decide they actually aren’t ready, won’t have the time for such a serious commitment, or doubt that the time and financial investment is worth it.
First, I recognize that coaching is a significant investment and I always remain transparent about the cost and exactly what it includes.
Coaching is a highly effective approach to creating long-term, sustainable change and it is worth every penny, which is why it is a large investment, but not necessarily an investment everyone can afford. Unfortunately, life coaching is not covered by insurance. When I speak with someone who cannot afford coaching, I do my best to direct them to other effective and more affordable resources.
The conversations that do lead to full commitment and long-term, sustainable change in a person’s life typically involve someone who is already an educated consumer by the time we have our first conversation.
An educated consumer knows what coaching can and cannot do, understands the commitment, understands and respects the difference in value rather than price, and is comfortable with the investment… Educated consumers are the ideal candidates for coaching.
I’m not the “right fit” for everyone so I encourage those interested in coaching to book calls with multiple coaches to find out who they connect with and who has the best program for them.
However, I often click with people when they reach out to me and we both agree that we would be a good fit to work together, but they still have a level of doubt or fear that holds them back from committing. Since the first step to change is always gaining awareness of what exactly you’re struggling with and why, continue reading as we cover some of the reasons why you might be resisting changes in your life, despite wanting and needing them.
1. You subconsciously fear letting go of your “past life”
When we make major changes in our mindsets, relationships, career, etc., we have to let go of the thoughts, beliefs, habits, behaviors, and even people who are no longer adding to our lives. Voluntarily letting go of people or things that no longer serve us can elicit feelings of losing your “sense of self” or who you are, and no one wants to feel that way.
For most people, their deeply-held beliefs, whether they are true or untrue, negative or positive, harmful or helpful, are seen as a part of who they are.
For many, the thought of making such drastic changes stops them from moving forward with coaching, and that is unfortunate.
For example, you might have the belief that what you want is not available to you even if others can have those very same things. This belief likely originated in childhood, when you heard adults in your life saying things such as, “People like us don’t go to college,” “People like us don’t have nice cars,” or, “People like us don’t go on vacation,” and those beliefs became ingrained in your young mind as “truth”.
Now, as an adult, you carry this belief and have recurring thoughts that weren’t even your own original thoughts, but now are part of your “identity.” You believe on a subconscious level that you cannot have or do the things you desire, because, “People like us don’t/can’t.” Although these thoughts are negative, discouraging, untrue, and certainly not thoughts you want to be having, you may actually fear changing your mindset around them. On a subconscious level, your beliefs bring you comfort and a stronger sense of self.
You may also fear success or have feelings of guilt surrounding money, high achievement, or owning nice things because you were taught that, “People like us don’t succeed,” “People like us don’t have a lot of money,” etc..
Perception is reality, so whatever beliefs and stories you tell yourself regularly, shape your life.
Each person and their circumstances are different, and this was only an example, but one thing that remains the same for everyone is that we all have deep-seated, subconscious thoughts, beliefs, expectations, and interpretations of past experiences that affect our daily lives, whether we realize it or not.
But the truth is, when you rewire your thoughts and beliefs and reframe the stories you tell yourself, you are not changing the fundamentals of who you are. You are already a full, complete person and nothing is going to change that, not even unlearning the thoughts and beliefs that you think make you, you.
The reality is, as you “shed” your outdated thoughts, beliefs, expectations, interpretations of past experiences, or sometimes toxic people, that might mean letting go of an “old version” of yourself.
Although this may sound scary, it is actually freeing. In order to create new beliefs, thoughts, expectations, and therefore a “new life”, you have to let go of your old one. You have to let go of relationships and friends who violate boundaries, make you feel small, and take away from your happiness instead of adding to it. The people who are meant to be in your life will be there to support you and meet you on the “other side.”
Staying attached to toxic relationships, thought patterns, and beliefs, is an act of self-sabotage, and releasing all that is no longer meant for you is a crucial step in creating real, long-term changes in your life.
2. Your comfort zone feels more important than your happiness
Doing the important work I just mentioned can not only cause feelings of the “loss of self”, but it can also be daunting to actually face those subconscious thoughts and beliefs in the first place. You must be willing to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Over the years I have worked with many clients who actually knew in their hearts that they needed to make a change, whether that was leaving a relationship, changing careers, or setting healthy boundaries with abusive family members. They knew that they would have to release their negative beliefs and behaviors in order to change and they were willing to do so. Eventually they reached a pain point and felt that they were willing to do the work required to rewire their minds and reframe their mindset.
Change typically requires foregoing a certain amount of comfort.
For example, if you self-soothe with food, facing the reasons why that is your coping mechanism and making the commitment to healthier behavior changes can make us very uncomfortable.
If you’re comfortable with a lifestyle that allows you luxury or financial security at the cost of your own emotional well-being or personal freedom, change and the possibility of losing your lifestyle might scare you.
If family holidays and get-togethers are emotionally abusive or uncomfortable in the best of circumstances, you dread them but you do them anyway. Making the decision to set boundaries that may not be respected, while it may be difficult, is sometimes the only true path to emotional freedom.
If you’re in an abusive or unfulfilled relationship, your fear of making a change and being alone might even elicit panic… I’ve worked with clients who believe that if they leave a marriage or relationship, they’ll be alone the rest of their lives. When this is the case, I’ve asked myself and others if when your life is coming to a close, will you be happy with the choices you have made? If the answer is no, I encourage you to do something about it now, because nothing is going to change unless something changes.
Diving into your subconscious mind to uncover the root cause of your thoughts, beliefs, expectations, and interpretations of past experiences is a vulnerable experience. You will have to be honest with yourself and confrontational towards the issues that are holding you back. You will have to “dig up” bravery and strength that sometimes feels like it’s buried beneath layers of fear and doubt.
But the truth is, nothing changes if nothing changes, and the things worth having rarely come easy.
3. You don’t think you have time or are waiting for the “perfect time”
Another reason I hear for why people can’t begin coaching is because they don’t have time or don’t feel it’s the “right” time.
I’ve had many women clients who despite having a career, taking care of children, and even being a caretaker of a parent, recognize the value in taking care of themselves and overcoming their emotional issues so they can be present and care for those they love. I often use a money analogy when talking about giving your energy to your children, partner, and other loved ones: If you only have $500, it doesn’t matter how much you want to give $1,000, you simply don’t have it. Another saying you have probably heard before is, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
The people who invest in themselves despite having very busy, hectic lives, understand that in order to fully care for others, they must be their best selves. However, some of the people I talk to who claim to be “too busy” often do have time for activities such as playing golf and tennis, doing spa treatments, going out for drinks, and think nothing of having rigorous weekly fitness regimes that include nearly daily yoga, pilates, and weight or cardio training. Of course, I’m in full support of physical fitness and I understand the value of physical activity, but it’s important to recognize that emotional well-being is equally as important as physical health.
When you have been neglecting your emotional well-being for years or even decades, it might be worth it to consider dropping a workout class to focus on your inner peace, happiness, and healing.
Most of my coaching clients spend about two hours a week with their coaching engagements and typically work with me for eight to twelve weeks. Yes, there may be some short-term sacrifice… For example, skipping a workout class a week or taking time off from your volunteering position to give yourself the time and space to prioritize your own well-being. Is saying, “I don’t have the time,” just another way you give yourself a free pass in not prioritizing and investing in yourself?
We know what’s important to people by how they spend their money and their time.
Maybe you are waiting for the “perfect time”.
If you are waiting for the perfect moment to start coaching, be prepared to wait a while or even forever. As with most things in life, there is rarely ever a “perfect time” to do something. If it is truly important to you, you won’t need perfect circumstances to prioritize it.
Most likely, this is just another way for you to reason with yourself on why now isn’t the right time to start investing in yourself and your emotional well-being. The question is, are you going to let fear hold you back, or are you going to do what you know you have to in order to live the life you have always dreamed of?
Chances are, you don’t wait for the “perfect moment” to do other things you truly want, like go on vacation, buy a new outfit, or visit family. You know you want the rewards of these things, like love, connection, rest, relaxation, and retail therapy, so you make them happen. These things probably aren’t outside of your comfort zone, so you don’t even hesitate to book the flights or click “place order”.
But once the initial high of wearing your new outfit wears off, or you come home from the trip and return to reality, are you truly happy? Did those things offer long-term fulfillment, happiness, stress reduction, or actual changes in your life? Or did they act as a temporary bandage to mask the struggles you are actually facing on a daily basis, like anxiety, depression, trauma, lack of confidence, or issues in your relationships?
Be honest with yourself about what you truly want and need for yourself and how you are actually spending your time or what you are prioritizing.
Does how you spend your time align with what you want for yourself?
Are you ready to embrace discomfort and diminish the limiting beliefs that hold you back from what you know you want and need out of life? Healing your trauma, overcoming anxiety and depression, building your confidence, improving your relationships, and stepping into the best version of you is possible and you deserve to reap the benefits of it. Not only will your life change for the better, but so will the lives of those around you.
You have been waiting long enough… In three, six, twelve months from now, you will be so glad you started now. Who knows, by the start of 2024, you may already be right on track to achieve your loftiest goals and resolutions.
If you are still reading, it probably means that you relate to this blog on some level and feel like life coaching could benefit you.
If you are ready to commit to your healing and growth, understand the time and financial investment required, and embrace change in your life, I would love to speak with you about your challenges and goals and how my Brain Science and Emotional Intelligence-based tools, techniques, and solutions can be truly life-changing for you.